Disequilibrium
by Cath1
Summary: They've got no idea what they're doing, but maybe somehow they'll muddle through. Will/Mac.


Disequilibrium

_dis·e·qui·lib·ri·um (d s- kw -l b r - m, - k w -). n. Loss or lack of stability or equilibrium_

Notes: Thanks so much to those who reviewed my first Newsroom fic :-) Hadn't really planned on writing anything more, but the plot bunnies were insistent that I write this. As such, I blame them for making me embrace a fic cliché. (Even if I do admit that I enjoyed writing it ;-) ).

XxX

He proposes and that's just the start.

She is happy and shocked and giddy and disbelieving and perhaps even a little bit afraid all at once.

But mostly, she starts to feel whole again, as though the last few years of guilt and penance and _hope_ were all finally starting to make sense.

They kiss and laugh, and perhaps it's just the champagne, but finally she starts to feel a sense that she's home. These people, this man, they are her future and she starts to feel settled.

This is it for her. And she starts to feel… happy.

XxX

She goes home with Will that night. For her, there is no question. For him, too. They have waited long enough for this moment. Somehow they manage to forget about the previously overwhelming fatigue.

Afterwards, her naked in his arms, they remember that they're exhausted. And now sleep overwhelms them.

Before she succumbs to the exhaustion, however, she takes a moment to really look at him, as she has rarely taken the opportunity to in recent years. "I love you," he mumbles and for a moment she wonders if he's just dreaming. And then he holds her closer, breathes in the scent of her hair, and relaxes. She smiles, kisses his shoulder in response, and suddenly is overcome by a sense of being home.

XxX

She moved a lot when she was younger. She doesn't wonder if this is the reason that she's very rarely committed herself to any long-term relationship or job as an adult.

It was part of her attraction to journalism, the constant movement; keep going, going, going, moving from one place to the next, follow the story.

And then she met Will, and suddenly she wanted to settle. At first she fought it, but as soon as she realised what she'd given up, Will and permanence were all that she wanted.

XxX

It takes about four months to find their equilibrium in this new relationship.

She has been single since her ill-fated relationship with Wade. Single and independent and perhaps a little set in her ways. She takes heed to ensure that she takes Will into account, more so than before, because she now knows what it's like to live without him. But still, sometimes it's an effort despite her unending love for him, and sometimes it's difficult for him, too, and that's okay because they're learning to talk and share and communicate and adapt and argue without the world ending.

They continue to argue, but mostly it's teasing and mostly they enjoy it, and, if they were to pay attention to anyone outside of each other, it leads to much eye rolling from the staff. Will calls them on it occasionally, but mostly he is not looking at anyone but her; they are openly allowed to do this now without any sense of misunderstanding intent. The intent is clear.

Mostly the arguments are resolved at the office. They continue to be (mostly) professional. Sometimes the arguments are resolved at home.

It takes about four months to find their equilibrium in this new relationship.

It takes less than four minutes to bring it entirely off-balance.

XxX

When she was younger, she wanted children for about ten minutes. Her Aunt Amanda and Uncle Tom brought her new cousin, Sarah, over to their new house in Paris, and at first the baby slept. Mackenzie watched her as she breathed in and out, calmly, what seemed like a slight smile on her face. And for a moment, as the baby slept and held onto the rabbit that Mackenzie had chosen for her, she thought maybe one day she wouldn't mind a baby.

And then the baby woke up, and started crying, and Aunt Amanda fed her, and afterwards the baby threw up milk, and from then on Aunt Amanda never seemed to be able to do _anything _because the baby was sleeping, or was about to sleep, or was teething and Mac thought that it really didn't seem like much fun.

As she grows up, occasionally she wonders if she is missing out on something by not having children. But then her decisions not to reproduce are more reasoned: her career really isn't conducive to having children, she's not met the right person, she isn't especially maternal, children's parties (at least the two that she's ever been to) freak her out. And quite frankly she likes having her own life and being able to work as late as she wants, or to go to the theatre or travel (admittedly rarely) when she wants, or drink or generally enjoy her independence. And somehow, eventually, even the briefest consideration of children becomes a thing of the past.

As she takes the test, she thinks that perhaps she shouldn't have neglected to take into consideration that getting pregnant wasn't an impossibility.

XxX

Will sits beside her as she waits. His hand is on hers, but she is numb and all she can hear is the tick, tick, tick of the clock, counting down her future.

Will, too, is numb when she tells him of her suspicions. "But we've been careful," he states. It's about all he can say.

Not careful enough, she thinks.

She's not entirely sure what she thinks when she sees the outcome of the test. "It's positive," she says, because she can't bring herself to say that she's pregnant.

Will nods. "Okay," he replies. He keeps nodding, until he takes her into an embrace, holding her tight. She feels safe in his arms, as if he might have all the answers. "Okay," he says again.

It's a while before either of them speaks again.

XxX

Eventually numbness gives way to acceptance. It takes a couple of days (and then some). There's no question of what they'll do: he's pro-life and while she's pro-choice, there's no question in her mind that she chooses to have the baby. To have their baby.

Occasionally she's near laughter at the ridiculousness of the concept.

"We can do this," he tells her. Given his past, she knows it's harder for him to accept than her. They talk about it. But despite a constant sensation of an impending fall, somehow they manage to keep upright. "I mean, obviously I've got no fucking idea what to do with a baby, but we can do this." He sounds almost as amused by the whole ridiculousness of the concept as she is. He pauses. "Maybe we can use it as a staff project."

"Free babysitting," she responds, equally drily.

"A lesson in the hazards of not using appropriate contraception."

She smiles. They're joking about it, and that's a good thing. They've got no idea what the hell they're doing, but maybe somehow they'll muddle through.

XxX

They see the baby for the first time on a Monday. She's not sure why the day matters, but somehow it does.

On the way to have the ultrasound, they joke about what they'll call the baby. "We should definitely go with a double-barrel surname," Will suggests. "If it's a boy, I'm thinking Macaulay. Macaulay Mackenzie MacAvoy-McHale. If we're going to fuck the kid up anyway, we might as well start with a name he can really hate us for." He's joking (she hopes), and he smiles at her.

"Why not MacAvoy McHale-MacAvoy?" she suggests. "Or," she starts with a pause and then continues excitedly, " we could combine our names. MacWilliam."

"Willenzie."

"Mackenziam."

She does her best to make him laugh with her increasingly outrageous suggestions (MacWilkenziam is one of her favourites) and he counters each one with his own.

And she knows that he's also overcompensating because he's as equally scared as she is.

XxX

She lies on the bed, freezing cold gel on her stomach, her hands almost shaking with nerves, and he whispers suggestions to her, makes her laugh. He holds her hand, and she feels his shake, and she wonders who is supporting whom. He starts with a further suggestion, but stops part way when the screen shifts from darkness into movement and suddenly the baby is real. He holds her hand tighter.

Neither of them can take their attention from the screen.

XxX

They tell the staff later that week. Charlie knows already and finds it hard to keep his delight and amusement concealed. The staff reaction is fairly similar; although it possibly helps that Will tries to placate them by offering to buy drinks afterwards at Hang Chews.

She's about to get into the elevator when she realises she left her BlackBerry in Will's office. He offers to get it for her, but she tells him to wait downstairs. She heads back to his office, easily locating the item. As she does so, she notices a new addition to Will's group of photos: a picture of the ultrasound lurks half-hidden, propped up against a photo frame. And for a moment she's almost overcome with emotion.

She blames the hormones.

XxX

Her mum calls frequently for updates on how she is feeling and any news on the baby, and is she eating the right foods and avoiding the wrong foods? And is she getting enough rest, or folic acid, or enough of whatever the latest news of the day is advising should be taken or avoided during pregnancy.

Her dad calls once, with an awkward opening conversation ("So, how are, things with, well, you know.") and somehow the awkwardness feels more natural.

Generally she tries to take better care of herself, and Will does his best to enforce it (as much as anyone can get her to do anything she's reluctant to do), and she has her suspicions that Will's secretly been reading up on this whole baby thing because sometimes his reasoning seems a little too researched. Mostly she gives in. Because despite the fact that it all still seems a little surreal, and she sometimes wakes forgetting, it is happening and she doesn't want to do anything to jeopardise that.

XxX

Time moves on, and there's less and less time to go until her ever-increasing bump becomes an actual live being out in the real world. She thinks that perhaps they ought start doing more to prepare themselves, like make a decision on when she should go on maternity leave, or consider what they might need when the baby is born (he buys a Jets onesie that amuses her, but she can't help but think that probably the baby needs more… stuff). She starts to do more research, and they start having a baby fact-off, and she is constantly surprised by all the information he has gathered.

Possibly, she wonders, by exploiting their intellectual capacity to understand everything about babies, they'll nail this whole parenting thing, no worries.

She knows she's deluding herself.

XxX

Occasionally, even without her voicing any concerns, he reminds her that they can do this. She knows that he's reassuring both of them.

Slowly, she starts to believe it.

Maybe they have no idea what they hell they're doing, but slowly she becomes less concerned about it. They're in this together, and somehow, just like everyone else, together they will muddle through.

And oddly, she begins to realise that she's looking forward to it.

XxX

End.


End file.
